Responding over Reacting

My thoughts on discernment, diplomacy, and learning when to pause - even when others don’t.😉

I learnt many things, including patience, during my time as deputy mayor of the Far North. In a nutshell, the good, the bad and the ugly of local government politics.

It matured me, not always in ways I appreciated at the time, but definitely have gratitude for now. I gained a lot of wisdom and learnt a lot about myself and my evolving leadership style.

One of the things I became known for was my diplomacy, particularly when things got heated, as they tend to.

Whether it was a form of self-control, choosing my battles or simply experience, learning the art of responding over reacting became a very useful skill, especially when working with big egos and challenging agendas.

I recall chairing one council meeting towards the end of my last term. Big agenda. A challenging councillor was doing his utmost to ah, how shall I put it, be disruptive. I never once took the bait, remaining totally professional. I still look back at that moment with a sense of personal pride and a touch of amusement.

So, why might this be of value? Responding versus reacting. Particularly, immediately after others’ sometimes frustrating comments, opinions, and behaviours?

For me, it’s about respect and integrity. Yes, I can and do have emotional reactions, but recognise these triggers generally have nothing to do with whatever is happening in this particular moment. (It’s generally some unresolved issue from the past).

One of the things I’ve learned when receiving ‘feedback’ is to pause. Take a breath. Look the person in the eye and acknowledge them. And while I might notice the internal dialogue, I try to gently pull the comment out of it.

Sometimes it’s as simple as saying, ‘Thanks for that.’ And stopping there. Because yes, sometimes it’s wiser not to open the door. And sometimes staying quiet says more than words ever will.

Sometimes it’s a clear ‘Yep, there’s something in this.’ I take it onboard and review my approach. 

So how do you know when to engage and when not to?

For me, it comes back to intuition. Taking a moment and listening inwardly. Noticing whether there’s actually something to explore… or whether the comment is purely a reflection of the other person's perspective and/or expectations.

This is where West really comes into its own. Weaving strong connections requires discernment. It’s also learning not to take other people’s expressions personally (which I know can be hard).

When feedback does land, I remind myself to come back to my intention. I might ask myself: What was my motivation to undertake such and such? And roll from there.

With unsolicited feedback, it’s often more about what’s going on for the other person (likely, I’ve said something that’s triggered something for them). This is where reacting or defending rarely helps.

Instead, responding with curiosity can.

A simple ‘Tell me more’ might open up a completely different conversation. Not to justify, but to understand what’s actually driving the response.

One tool I’ve found particularly useful is the practice of asking ‘why’ (gently) five times. The first answer and the fifth are often worlds apart. The deeper you go, the more human the real driver becomes.

Practise it in everyday conversations. The next time you ask someone how they are and get the classic ‘fine’ (one of my least favourite words, by the way), you could gently probe: ‘Oh yeah? What’s been going on in your world?’ - if you’re genuinely interested, of course, and take it from there.

Taking a pause to reflect before responding is a powerful leadership practice. And it’s not something you need to apologise for. It’s far better to think something through than to feel pressured to perform and say something that lacks wisdom.

Because when things are moving fast, or when we’re tired, overwhelmed, or simply hungry, it’s much easier to react. Experience, confidence, and particularly wisdom allow us to slow the flow.

To say, ‘I’ll get back to you on that.’
Or even, ‘I’m not sure yet - let me sit with it.’

West reminds us that leadership isn’t just about what we say or do in the moment. It’s about the relational steadiness we bring - especially when things feel charged.

Learning to respond with wisdom, rather than react, is a powerful tool, one that strengthens teams and usually leads to a much better sleep. And we could all do with more of that!

I further explore responding over reacting in my mini-course.
#anewcompass #leadinglights